Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
