Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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