she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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