if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
