I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
