My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
