roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
