So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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