I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
