i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
