omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
