u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize