You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
