I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
