Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
