quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
