Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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