I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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