i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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