my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She bit a glass in half.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
