Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
