i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
