Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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