Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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