sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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