I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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