one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
