I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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