no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
