i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
