glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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