i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
