I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
