Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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