do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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