Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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