YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
