Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
