i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
