He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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