Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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