What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
