I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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