This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
