My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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