Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
