I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This baby is an asshole
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
