I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
