My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
