I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
