I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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