i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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