I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
