Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
