she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
