I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
