I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just blew my weed a kiss
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
