I met the friendliest cop last night
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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