I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize