You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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