my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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