Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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