I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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