He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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