she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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