The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
