I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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