I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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