I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
